My Sorries

By Caroline Hesby, TIWP Student

I’m sorry. 

You were right, I was asking for too much. I should have thought about you and your needs more. I should have understood that you never made a promise to me. I shouldn’t have questioned you, of course you were doing everything right. 

I am sorry that I intruded on your feelings and life. I should have left you alone, I should have pretended I didn’t care until you told me I could.

It’s my bad.

How could I be so selfish to confront your behavior like that? It’s your life, not mine. I apologize for speaking up like that, for over-expressing my inner thoughts.  

Except what if I still want to know? 

What if those unanswered questions still rattle in my head? Is it really so bad of me to wonder, to have these strong feelings, to speak up? Or did you just want me to believe that I should be feeling this guilt?

Why am I sorry after all? 

Don’t I get to have an opinion here, haven’t I been as much a part of this as you? Didn’t you promise me things, didn’t we say this dynamic was here to stay? How was it wrong of me to be concerned, to question the silence, to desire the old exchanges?

How was that my bad?

I deserved answers. I still do. You waited—you held back until I concluded the issue was me. I deserve that voice though—I deserve to be respected when I am confronting, when I speak my truth. I never caused a storm, you twisted my words until I saw them as offensive.

How dare you assume that that power belongs to you. How wrong it was for you to wash me with guilt when I was overflowing with validity.

My apologies do not belong to you. They should have never left my mouth. I hope it is clear from now on who deserves an opinion here, and I hope it is clear that I am most definitely included.

I will give you a chance to understand this because I know you have never been taught these truths, and that I have always been taught to be sorry. 

But I need you to know that I am not sorry anymore.

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