Exponential Thinking

By Kea Yoshinaka, TIWP Student

It happens almost every time I’m alone.
My brain begins to churn, and thoughts go from milk to butter.
I call this exponential thinking.
Similar to metacognition, I often find myself thinking
about thinking
about thinking.  

What are we, really?
What’s the purpose in this seemingly repetitive and mundane life?
Thoughts like these, which typically lead to a period of existential crisis,
swarm my head like bees in a hive.
I don’t wish for this process, if you will, to halt.
I believe that this has transformed me into the person I am today,
but at the same time I occasionally find myself wishing
that this crazy constant spiral of thoughts would just
stop.  

Rather than be in the moment,
I am outside looking through a window, analyzing it.
I hope this does not lead to dissatisfaction with my life as a whole,
for I am constantly thinking of the “what ifs.”
I feel that this is a good thing however,
because while I do see how much better something could be,
I am also more than aware that it could be worse.

Again, this type of metacognition causes me to question
much more than a simple moment.
It’s me trying to figure out what seems to be every molecule
of every place my brain goes.
This gets exhausting.

I don’t know how to explain it to others without sounding crazy,
but the simple term of “over-thinking” seems evasive.
It’s a weird thing, really, and I genuinely don’t understand it.
I would like to in the future, but I believe that I am already thinking exponentially
and any more could cause my brain to explode.   

It’s not something I can control, I guess.
As I preach acceptance, I must start with myself.
I will have to work on this,
but I’ve got time.