I’m Fine

By Kimya Karachi, TIWP Student

When people ask me how I’m doing, I don’t know what to say.
I feel like my body has frozen and time has yet to go on.
It feels as if my mouth has been sewed closed and no words can come out.
My body feels as if I’ve had a chemical imbalance and doesn’t know how to operate.
And yet it’s been a couple seconds and my brain still can’t think of a word to respond with.
I think of telling her how I suffer with a couple of physical disorders and anxiety, and that my dad has repetitive cancer, and how my brother has moved far away, and how my parents can’t live a day without fighting,
and that it feels like my life has slowly been falling apart.
But, then I realize what she would think if I truly exposed my feelings.
So my next idea is to say “I’m good and that I have never felt better,”
but deep down I know that’s a lie.
In fact I feel at my lowest and never thought it was possible to feel so downhearted at such a young age.
My life has been consumed with what society has expected me to be, and what standards I have been told to reach.
I’ve been told to look and act a certain way in order to “fit in.”
I have to wear certain clothes in order to be “approved” by humanity.
And being stranded at home has shown me that I don’t know who I am without my mask.
So I result in my constant response of “I’m fine.”
This word truly has no meaning to me any more
I use it as an excuse and as an escape from reality.
Telling people that “I’m fine” gives my brain a break from the drama.
I allow my body to hold back a bit longer and to not have to explain my true feelings.
The word “fine” has been my ongoing excuse and answer to everything.
And no matter how hard I try, my mask does not come off.
I have shown too many people this fake version of myself.
And while I was doing so, I got lost and can’t figure out who I truly am.
I think that maybe if I take off my mask I wouldn’t be accepted, and that life would be different.
So, I result in the response of “I”m fine”,
which saves me from the heartache and the headache from being an outcast and having everybody suddenly worrying about me.
So next time you ask me how I’m doing,
I will tell you that
I’m Fine.

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